iTight

[07:20 North EDSA]

 

 

 

I can only do so much.

 

And as I ponder on that phrase, the gravity of my current position fell on me like raging water falling down the waterfalls. I'm in the tightest spot I've ever been into. Physically, it was torment. I got stuck in the middle of an overpass swarming with people, all late for work because it was an hour when the MRT personnel let a passenger into the MRT platform. It was a standstill but the bulk of people came flooding in from every corner. But beyond the hustle and bustle of the place, inside me was an even tighter, even heavier problem. 

 

In my hand, tied into a knot, was my rosary. I gripped the crucifix ever so tightly that I felt sweat building-up in my palms. But I gripped even tighter as if it was the only rope that's preventing me from falling into a very deep plunge. I was desperate.

 

My budget for the week was the tightest compared to the tight budgets I had months ago. My financial struggles spelled an even tighter budget for my family. Even my belt was tighter than usual but above all these, it was the problem I had in my neck that was gripping me into a deadly choke--the tightest of them all--my problems at work.

 

I used to love my work. I was a proud Production Editor at a Filipino owned BPO company, even though the pay was never enough. I loved the work I do, I loved the tasks I accomplish however controversial they may be, and more so, the friendship I nurtured at work was the best part of my job and I loved it the most. But recent controversies changed everything. The work that I do failed to love me back. I was disappointed. Me and my officemates were disappointed.

 

The disappointment I had took it's toll on my performance at work. I used to be the most resourceful, most "bibo" employee, but for months, I've been acting like a kid in tantrums. I woke up one day hating my work. Even the simple clicking of my mouse would require a lot of effort on my part and I barely finish any tasks during a day. I'm acting on immaturity and impulsiveness and I hated it. I didn't want this to happen, I didn't want this attitude on my working life but apathy took the throne in my heart, established itself as the selfish king and it won't budge.

 

The line at the MRT moved a little as people pushed themselves to each other even tighter. I followed suit. The delay was an open warfare inside me. In my mind, the delay was a curse. I had so many things to do at work and so little time to do it. But my heart was shooting arrows at my mind with the idea that the delay was a blessing. I needed this delay. I needed this delay because in my heart, I didn't want to go to work. That seeing my monitor would only mean that I need to do the same things I'm doing for the past three years and the things I don't want to do anymore and these kinds of delays are the last bastion of my sanity. I wanted to go to work but I also wished I could just stay at home. Confusing at it may sound, the arguments pulled me into two separate ways and like an overstretched rubber band, I felt my patience snapping. I can only do so much.

 

Last week was hell week. And if that was hell week, then this week would be an even worse torment, even worse than standing for more than an hour in the middle of an stagnant line. I was drifting into a haze as different perfumes fought their way into my nostrils. I remembered the problems that's been bothering me the whole weekend.

 

A virus corrupted my email and everyone tried to retrieve my lost emails to no avail. Three years worth of emails gone to waste. The grip on my neck became tighter as I remembered all that was lost. What made it worse was that I didn't care. I didn't care what my clients would say, I didn't care about the data I lost and how to recover from that kind of problem and my apathy towards work worried me so much and I was suddenly questioning God's will in my life.

 

I know, I've been thought that as a Light of Jesus member, I should shine Jesus' light to the world. But right now, God's light in me flickered like a fluorescent lamp with a busted starter. I know God loves me and I know I can rely on Him for help. But I cannot bring myself to ask him a favor because, I felt unworthy.

 

I am a sinner. I sin. I did a lot of things that made God's eyes bloodshot with tears. I still do things that disgraces Him. I have addictions I cannot control. I am guilty and ashamed of what I do that I could not look onto the sky to flood my eyes with God's wonders. I deserved this torment, I said to myself. My eyes sinned and I can only look downwards, on my feet. I closed my eyes, afraid of my own shadow. It was dark. I tried calling God for help but as if the network was down, I only got a busy tone. The network was down, I repeated. I got scared. 

 

I held onto my rosary more tightly. I felt the sharp edges of the crucifix making mark on my palms and it was getting painful but I didn't care. I could only hold on to this. I can only hold on to God because He's the only thing that I can hold on to right now. He's the true peace, the real truth and my salvation. 

 

My connection failed with God because of my sins. My weaknesses prevented me from sincerely calling for His aid and I got even more scared as I looked at my problems. "My worries and anxieties are the only tangible beings in my life now," I told myself. And as I look unto them straight into their eyes, I chanted a familiar phrase I always say whenever everything felt wrong. I have a big God.

 

My big God loves me. However sinful I maybe, however troublesome I may have become. He has forgiven me even before I repented. Repentance is always the effect of His undying love. It will never be the cause. God forgave me of my sins giving me the reason to repent, and He died in the cross just to prove me that.

 

My big God takes care of the impossible. If I can only do the little that I can, as long as it's the best thing I can do, God will do the rest. God has prepared for me a brighter future.  God has already given me the best things I could have, it's just not the right time to have them all and beyond this problem, there is salvation.

 

My big God is a victorious God. He already won the battle against sin, death and evil. He already won the war and He will triumph against everything, what more this petty problems that I have?

 

My big God is bigger than any problems that I may have. That in my greatest problems, in my biggest  trials, my big God has an even greater miracle brewing just for me. That always, the problems I'm facing, however huge it may seem to be is proportional to God's size, only He's a whole lot bigger.

 

And as I looked into my problems' eyes, I remembered a friend telling me, "I don't know about you, but I don't tell God how big my worries and problems were. I tell my problems, 'Problem, I have a big God!'"

 

"I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me." (Philippians 4:13)

 

And as I walked the baby steps inside that cramped MRT station, I continued chanting "I have a big God" and that is when, I saw something glimmer in my feet. I crouched and with great effort retrieved a shiny 10 peso coin.

 

"This is going to be a good day," I told myself and continued chanting. I began to smile.

 

May God's love make your problems a small boat beside a US Carrier that is God's majesty,

 

 

Rex Van Carlo E. Mollo

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam