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[18:12 Taft Station]

I hate sad stories but there's always the first time (and hopefully the last).

I counted feet that passed by as I wait for the next train to arrive. I was looking down—defeated and gloomy. I was demented. I was numb all over and I was suddenly looking for the pain that should be there, aching to feel human again. But not a single jolt of emotion came. All I knew was I'm dead tired. Boy was I tired.

As the train stopped in front of me, and strangers staggered to free themselves from what seemed to be a cage of torment, I came face to face with my reflection—a sad little figure, a failure, foolish and worthless. I was the last one to enter the train but I didn't care how tiny the space that was left for me. I was an empty shell, lifeless and hopeless. I sighed a deep dark sigh and surprisingly, no praises to God ensued.

Have you ever experienced the emptiness of knowing that you're a disappointment to everyone you love? That you're perfect, wonderful life was just a dream you chose to believe? Have you lost all hope for yourself, lost all the courage to take the chance to make things right again? I was suddenly questioning the very fibber of my existence, my purpose, my life. I went on and on, counting all the dreadful things one could think for himself. I wanted to feel pain.

I looked at the window and suddenly, the setting sun shinning across the Pasig river (Guadalupe station) that used to flood my very soul with God's love lost it's majesty. I've always praised God for such beautiful things but this time, not one word came. I counted happy faces in the towering billboards along EDSA and caught myself cursing them for plastering such joyful jubilation when I'm here, loosing every happiness I have to such monstrosity. I was depressed.

I went on counting all the bad things in my life, making me miserable: how I hated my job, how poor I was, how can't I provide my parents' needs, how disappointing I am to their eyes, how disgraceful I was as a brother, how huge my debts were, how dependent I am to my girlfriend's graces, how irresponsible I was, how much trouble I'd cause the people I love... it went on and on as if not one great thing happened in my past, poisoning my present and spoiling my future. I was sad.

Araneta station Cubao went and as soon as I stepped in the platform I felt my feet weakened beneath my weight. It's as if I was carrying a heavy load. I walked but my usual fast strides became tiny, heavy baby steps. I looked at my feet, and counted my steps. I heard murmurs from the people behind me, angry curses flying from the people that were overtaking me and I decided to stop, search for a seat and continue the dreadful manner I look at my life.

I found an empty bench and sat. Trains passed by, people came and went, crowd and empty the platform but no thought came to my mind, no feeling swept my heart. I was late for an appointment but I didn't care. I was eager to search inside me, to at least explain what was happening to me, but all I felt was the echoing emptiness, the blinding darkness and the hallow soul I have inside. I closed my eyes and decided to pray. I didn't feel praying but I still closed my eyes, took deep breathes and tried reaching out to God.

“Who am I Lord to question Your authority, Your power and Your will in my life? Who am I God to reason things with You? You who created everything in perfect majesty and glory, You who planned every beginning and end, You who made me... Lord what wisdom I have to match Your unending greatness?” And as the asking ensued, from the darkness within me, I saw a cross. It narrowed down and I saw Jesus, blood gushing forth His wounds, blood running down His majestic face, His hair drenched by blood and sweat. I felt the tremendous pain He felt. I was wishing for some hurt to overtake me but nothing prepared me for the pain I felt looking at him. The deafening silence within me was tore down by a thunderous roar of pain, hate and defeat as I saw Jesus, my God and saviour shout with everything that He had “FATHER! WHY HAVE YOU FORSAKEN ME?!”

Tears run down my cheeks. I wanted to breakdown there and then but as soon as I opened my eyes, I saw people looking at me. I grabbed some tissue inside my bag and continued to sob. I cried. I was in so much pain. The hurt swelled inside me like a gas tank exploding. I cried but I found myself smiling. I felt God beside me. I felt Him hugging me. I felt my God crying with me.

We may have problems in our lives, problems so intense we wished we never lived. We may have sinned and caused trouble to others, we may live worthless lives but God has given us the chance to follow Him, do His will, embrace His unending love and make Him proud. And as soon as we surrender everything to Him, He promised to make everything right, He will make sure that you'll have everything you need and He will make you proud that He's your God. Whatever your worries, how much pain you're enduring, God will make everything right.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.” (Proverbs 3:5)

He will be the one to guide you, protect you, provide for you. All you need is to trust Him. You need not know how He'll lift you from the pain, He moves in mysterious ways. All you need the fact that sooner or later, He will lift you from that pain.

Really. God is love! For good things happen to those who love Him.

I wiped the last tear in my eye. I took a deep breathe and smiled and after a long stressful day, I praised God. I didn't know the solution to my problem, I didn't even know what to do or where to start. But I stood from the bench, took another deep breathe and believed God will make things right as I surrender to His will.

Before I took one step, I looked around me. The sun cast a wonderful orange abstract painting in the sky, it's farewell for the day. I saw a happy couple running down the platform holding hands and I thanked God for everything, even the pain I had and whispered “Lord, into Your hands, I commend my spirit...”

May God's love makes you see Jesus in every situation you're in,

Rex Van Carlo E. Mollo

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam