iProclaim

[19:11 Buendia station]

It was a terrible list.

I looked at my notes again, aching to see at least one positive comment but there was none. Looking at it again only made the raging storm within me roar.  

Terrible. I looked around, eager to see something worth while, like searching for light inside a tiny dark box. But I was blinded by darkness. I felt too lazy and tired to search. What was happening to me?

Exactly one week ago, I made it a habit to always list down every good thing that made my MRT trip unique and worthwhile--squeezing salvation out of the weirdest places. Every tiny detail, even the slightest speck of positivity that made me smile, would go into the list and I'd scribble it down my blue notebook.  I would then use this list to weave a jubilant article to publish in my blog. But yesterday (my gloomy, dark yesterday) was completly different  (*sigh*).

I need to say that the past week has been, so far, the most stressful, dreadful week I had this 2011 (Yes. Stressful and dreadful combo). My tasks at work piled-up beyond any reasonable comprehension (and it was raining negative feedbacks), my finances  reduced   to smithereens (to the point  of  buying siomai from siomai house (my favorite) would be suicide), my relationships  were in  shambles and worst, my spiritual life  was under siege (I heard  whispers   from God-knows-what, challenging my Catholic   faith, drowning me with guilt and choking me with shame). And what made it worst was that, I didn't care! I felt too lazy and tired to care. I have so many things to do, so little time and worse, no will to do it, no drive to pursue it. I had   no hope, I felt  so burned-out.

I looked around again and checked the list if I missed anything: the irritating girl laughing by the MRT door, check; the huge guy (who looked familiar) behind me towering over me, covering my light source, check; the old lady sitting in front of me who seemed to know all the bad news in the world, making personal complaints and bombarding his husband with all these negative things, check; the old lady's husband who failed to give a little nod to confirm if he  was hearing anything (maybe he's used   to all the complaining) looking indifferent, check. Negative vibes. I inhaled   a huge amount of air and heaved a gigantic sigh and as if it were a cue in a movie scene, a rotten smell invaded my nostrils. Ugh! Someone farted! I saw the girl beside me held her handkerchief and hastily putting it on her face, protecting her nose. I envied her, wished I too had  a handkerchief.

Negativity disgusts me. And yesterday, I was totally disgusted with myself.I knew there was a problem. I didn't know what it was. I didn't know how to win over it. I just knew it was lurking deep inside me.

There was a great turmoil inside me, deep within me. I was thinking bad thoughts about... everything. I was looking at the world through angry, irritated, agitated, anxious eyes and as if my whole being was shouting, crying in rage. I didn't know what's happening to me and it wasn't nice. I was miserable.

I remember  this familiar feeling  (not exactly but same) when I was still a  Journalism student. I was holding too much responsibilities in my hands during those times that I wanted to throw everything out--my studies, my extra-curricular activities, my faith, everything. I hated life then and I was kind of feeling the same way yesterday (again, not exactly but the same). And as I recall, what I usually do was list down all the things that I needed to finish (maybe I'm just too overwhelmed with all these responsibilities in my mind at once, crowding my perception), all the problems I needed to resolve and all the important things that I needed to remember. I tried doing it, mapping and planning my next move’ perhaps. I wanted everything to be in order, I wanted my plan to be fool-proof, to be perfect, to work.  

I started to feel excited all of a sudden. I was comforted by the sudden burst of hope that came from nowhere and I felt that this is the blessing, the gift-wrapped present, to write until I heard someone whispered.

"Sigurado ka? Hindi ba pagmamayabang yan?"

 It was not a physical whisper that reached my ear. It was something that struck my very soul. It made me feel bad again so I tried shoving it off my mind. But it came back, this time with more conviction.

"Akala mo magaling ka? Hindi ka ba nahihiya sa mga sinusulat mo?"

I felt so fragile I wanted to cry. I felt so insecure. Yes. I do feel rusty. I read my other six passages and I knew my grammar professors would kill me. These works coming from a Journalism student?! It's unacceptable! I do understand that I still need to enhance whatever talent I have in writing. The very least, I'm doing my best, trying to bless others with these short stories. The whisper answered back.

"Nagyayabang ka hindi ka nagbe-bless. Sino niloko mo? Hindi ka na nga marunong magsulat, mali pa intentions mo."

I was in pain. It felt like a baseball bat hit my very core. Suddenly, I didn't feel like blogging anymore. It felt like I just wanted to quit even that. I felt so ashamed. Guilt engulfed me like darkness turning day into night. I was in shock. But the whisper continued.

"Gusto mo pa ba trabaho mo? Di ba hindi na? Pano mo sosolusyunan ang mga problema mong dahil sa katamaran kung ganyan ka katamad? Tingin mo yayaman ka pa with that kind of attitude? Mamamatay kang mahirap! Mahiya ka sa girlfriend mo! San ka na ngayon kukuha niyan? Aasa ka nalang ba lagi sa mga mahal mo sa buhay? Nakakahiya ka! Yan tuloy, iniiwan ka na ng magulang at kapatid mo. Asan sila ngayon? Anong ginagawa nila? Hindi mo alam diba? Hindi sila nagte-text? Ikaw ba nagpaparamdam man lang? Busi-busihan ka kasi masyado sa service eh matanong kita? Naniniwala ka ba sa mga naririnig at nababasa mo? Bat ka nagkakasala pa din? May maganda bang naitutulong sa iyo yan? Anu naman napupulot mo? Kaibigan? Weh? Talaga lang ah? Mas maganda sana kung yung ginagastos mo sa pagpapakaraya sa service eh sana sa mga magulang mo nalang binibigay diba? Nakatulong ka pa! At grabe ka kung makapagserve! Karapat-dapat ka ba? Parang hindi ka nagkakasala ah! Alam mo kung gaano kadumi ang mundo mo. Alam mo ding wala ka nang kawala sa mga addictions mo! Hindi ka na makakawala sa kasalanan!"  

  

It was a cresendo of the bad things that's been bothering me and it was rising into a deafening explosion. I wanted to cover the ears of my soul when I had the sudden urge to shout. 

"Teka, sino ka ba?!" I retorted. I decided that before these harsh words sink into my conciousness, I needed to know where these whispers were coming from. I smiled. 

It is easier to fight an enemy if you know what you are dealing with , as what I've learned. I knew. There was a sudden pause within me and I was suddenly thrown back by my realization: Wait! I have a God, and my God loves me and He will never abandon me and that great things will happen to those who trust and love Him.

I closed my eyes and felt His presence. I imagined Him coming to me and I came to Him running. I hugged Him ever so tightly and at last, I felt peace.

The whisper was gone but I knew there remained the entity who tried to poison me. I'm eager to let it drink it's own poison.

"I have a God who forgives. I have a God who loves. I have a God who never loses hope, why should I lose hope? I have a God who laughs with me when I'm happy and a God who cries with me when I'm sad. I have a God who carries me when I can't carry my burden alone anymore. I have a God who died a painful death to save me from sin, to save me from you and your snares. And lastly, I have a God who wins every battle, I have a victorious God and He will equip me with faith sharp enough to puncture you dead. At the end of time, God will reign supreme. Pasensiyahan tayo."

Before I opened my eyes, I heard cute giggles. I opened my eyes and saw the girl by the MRT door. She wasn't irritating anymore. The towering figure behind me moved, and as soon I looked at him I thought I was looking into the eyes of Bro. Alvin Barcelona (they looked alike it scared me!). I was smiling when I looked in front of me. I saw the old lady listening to her husband's joke too intently and as they laugh, I saw sparks in their eyes. Oh my God! I realized,   I was not searching for a light inside a tiny dark box, as I initially thought. I just forgot to open my eyes.  

Why didn’t I write these things in my booklet? I took out my blue notebook, fumbled through the   pages and came across a biblical passage I wrote weeks ago:

"Give thanks to the LORD and proclaim His greatness. Let the whole world know what He has done." (Psalm 105:1)

   

It didn't sound like bragging to me. What do you think?

May God's love protect you spiritually, emotionally and spiritually,

Rex Van Carlo E. Mollo

Ad Majorem Dei Gloriam

P.S. To my CG mates, the best CG ever (TGIW), if your reading this, please pray for me. Makikita ko din kayo soon. 

P.S. I need to thank with all my heart my two lovely friends, Micah Sula and Yeng Gugol for thoroughly  washing the germs out so that the gems could stand-out. You guys are great blessings.

P.S. Comments and suggestion you can visit http://makeourjesusproud.blogspot.com/